In this essay, I autoethnographically map my experience of pursuing and then denouncing the “religion” of merit into which I was indoctrinated in my white, second-generation immigrant household. I argue that my disabled body is marked as visible through medical discourse that originated within, and is in turn perpetuated by, white patriarchal discourse. This visibility interrupts the power of white invisibility, allowing a means of understanding how white normalness perpetuates a system of merit that rejects all visible, abnormal bodies while offering an unsuccessful pursuit of meritorious invisibility. The normal and invisible system of merit, when exposed, visible, and rejected, can be dismantled.

Auto-archaeology is an emerging form of autoethnography exploring individuals’ artifacts as supporting evidence to interpret experiences explored using autoethnographic methodologies. Using multiple voices, this essay draws upon the data of photos and poetry from my past and lived experiences to interrogate complex intersections of disability, gender, and queerness. This approach contributes to emergent literature examining intersections of queer and disabled identities while using an intersectional lens to examine how privileged identities intersect with Femme/disabled identities. Finally, it considers balancing the ongoing performance of identities with needing to feel recognized, discussing ways to create space for intersections of invisible identities.

This essay takes up the concept of “thresholds” as it was developed in the Spring 2014 issue of Departures in Critical Qualitative Research . It opens up a fertile seam of thought about encounters with people labeled as “disabled” and with one's own child in particular. The article troubles the processes of normalization, and opens up the space of difference by excavating its unspeakability. The stories of two mothers and their disabled children are told using the concept of thresholds to examine their encounters with (the difference of) their children. The essay concludes with implications for professional practice.

Through this autoethnographic essay I explore how a critical qualitative researcher's disclosure of her personal reactions to participants’ narratives can offer an opportunity to resist cultural marginalization. This opportunity requires a level of vulnerability and disclosure that can feel risky but is often necessary in the pursuit of identification and transformative understanding. Mapping my experience as it became tangible to me of my almost-(but not really)-passing physically disabled feminine body through conducting open-ended narrative research with similarly embodied participants creates a means of revealing and resisting compulsory able-bodiedness (its comforts and trappings) in daily performance.