Unsilencing is one way to describe methodologies that disrupt hegemonic erasure of marginalized populations. I take on unsilencing, a concept from Trouillot (1995), as a tool to decenter myself, a straight cisgender woman, while telling my participant/co-author’s story and experience as a member of the trans community. This piece approaches unsilencing in two ways—as a way to ethically work with populations where a researcher has an outsider identity and to subvert traditional research methodologies. Unsilencing is explored through my narrative analysis that presents findings in the form of a documentary script. I conclude with recommendations for future research guided by unsilencing.
According to legend, the children of ancient Athens were rescued from the hold of King Minos by the mythical king Theseus. After rescuing the children, Theseus made a daring escape by ship to Delos. To honor this act, it is said that the Athenians made an annual pilgrimage to Delos on Theseus’s ship to honor the god Apollo (Blackburn, 2016). After years of sailing, the original wood planks of Theseus’s ship began to decay, and were replaced one by one with new, metal sturdy planks to preserve the ship’s structure (Blackburn, 2016). This lore has turned philosophical paradox, where philosophers wonder if after years of maintenance and gradual replacement of each plank of the ship, is it still the same ship? Now, this story is used to examine the problem of identity. Hobbes (1656) posited the ship, with new parts, persists as the original Ship of Theseus. Hobbes (1656) compared this to personal identity formation. As individuals change and grow over time, they replace parts of themselves but are still the same core person. This legend serves as a metaphor for our work, as we take apart traditional methodology and ways of research plank by plank to rebuild research so that it is more emancipatory than it is now using a new methodological framework to recenter trans communities and decenter research voice.
It is vital to identify Gretchen as a white, cisgender, straight woman married to a cisgender man. Gretchen has outsider status in the queer community, as she does not share that identity, but she has rich friendships with those who hold queer identities. Gretchen supports her former students as they navigate their trans identities, and grew up alongside queer family members. Ethically, Gretchen questions whether she has the right to engage in this research arena, but her struggle with this quandary leads her to this research entanglement. Stella, originally a participant in a larger study to be described later, collaborated via email and Zoom meetings with Gretchen on the final draft of this manuscript. Because this manuscript tells Stella’s story, Gretchen shares privilege with Stella by giving her co-author credentials, so Stella can receive recognition for this work (Lather, 1993).
Gretchen: I know at the conclusion of our time together I told you that we would reach out to you with any write-ups, in order for you to review them and make sure you feel it accurately captures you. So that is what I am doing now. I have attached the manuscript and would really appreciate if you could review it and provide any feedback. Please do not be afraid to tell me that I have not authentically portrayed your experiences! I truly believe in sharing privilege and would like to offer you co-authorship on this piece, if you would like. I also understand this could jeopardize your anonymity, so we could use your pseudonym (if you provide a fake last name).
Stella: I’d like to start by saying I would love to co-author the piece with you. On a professional note, I have some feedback for the piece, mostly with some of the different spellings of uncommon words or wording of things, herpetarium as an example, also I can no longer find the word aromantic anywhere on any LGBTQ identities site which baffles me, I do not understand why that is, but I’d like to leave that part unchanged in the paper. Forgive me but I don’t know exactly the appropriate things to say in the whole researcher-to-participant dynamic but person to person I’d like to say that if you want to talk things over on Zoom sometime I think that would be lovely; if that is impossible I am willing to email back and forth as many times as is needed.1
Stella did not contribute to the academic writing of this piece, so when “I” appears it refers to Gretchen’s contributions. “We” is used to describe the collaborative work between Gretchen and Stella. As another disclaimer throughout the manuscript, I will use both “transgender” and “trans” because “trans” is regarded as an all-encompassing term to include individuals with binary and non-binary genders (Beemyn, 2019).
The purpose of this study is to explore a methodological and analysis technique that decenters the researcher working with trans populations, in order to unsilence the stories and experiences of the trans community. For my purposes I define decentering as giving all power over to my participant and adopt Trouillot’s (1995) definition of unsilencing as recognizing survivors, or those who hold the experience, as the authentic narrators of history. Ultimately, this is grounded in my exploration of how structures within the academy, which I perceive as dominated by a white, male, cisgender perspective, favor subjectivity and prevent objective and bias-free reflection of the trans experience. In my own research experience, I have been forced to follow traditional ways of research where I must adhere to a specific format, impose my interpretations upon data to conduct an analysis, and have been told that narrative or “newer” methodologies (e.g., autoethnography, poetry, or ethnodrama) are not rigorous. Because I believe that there are no objective truths, I do not deem that researchers need to provide a discussion of an analysis. I present the usefulness of using a documentary narrative analysis, formed from narrative methods, in order to attempt to decenter my role and give power to the stories of participants. First, I present a review of literature to highlight how the trans community is silenced as they navigate school spaces and complex relationships, and how researchers work with this community. I follow this with a description of my documentary narrative methodology and analysis. I conclude with my findings and a discussion rooted in unsilencing. My intent is to subvert the tradition set forth by the academy and to radicalize outdated academic norms through unsilencing.
Those Who are Silenced
Research concerning transgender individuals and transgender youth is emerging (e.g., Beemyn, 2019; Nicolazzo, 2017b). Much of the research focuses on how these individuals must navigate where and when to present their authentic selves. Because trans individuals possess multiple intersectionality of identities, authenticity is fluid (Abrams & Abes, 2021). To illustrate how trans youth are often silenced, this section provides an overview of the trans experience in education and within the family, and research conducted about the trans population.
For young transgender or gender diverse youth, gender stereotypes dominate the school context and work to silence trans youth in these settings (Jones et al., 2016; Ullman, 2017). Jones et al. (2016) found in a study of transgender and gender diverse teenagers that 40% reported avoiding school because of heteronormative practices, and 65% experienced verbal abuse from their peers. However, students who had supportive classmates reported fewer instances of discrimination and harassment at school. In the same study (2016), these youth reported the involvement in activism (i.e., alliances, involvement in school Pride events) made them feel better about their gender identity, as though they had a voice, and part of a community.
Equally as important to the trans community is family support. Pyne (2016) proposed that the affirming approach to parenting gender nonconforming children is a social justice–based practice. Trans youth must constantly adapt and navigate complex family relations, like who to share or hide their identity with (Catalpa & McGuire, 2018; Sansfacon et al., 2020), and Catalpa and McGuire (2018) found that youth are often uncertain about their family’s feelings toward their gender identity and the status of their family relationships. Due to uncertainty, youth are typically faced with few options like breaking with the family in order to be authentic, compromising gender authenticity, or maintaining ambiguous family relationships (Catalpa & McGuire, 2018). Unfortunately, research on best practices for clinical and educational services to support youth and families is minimal (Matsuno & Israel, 2021; Sansfacon et al., 2020; Sharek et al., 2020).
In higher education, trans individuals often feel compelled to hide, or silence, their sexual or gender identity to avoid unfair treatment from students and faculty and are fearful of the ramifications of disclosing their authentic identity (Cain, 2015; Gortmaker & Brown, 2006; Rankin, 2003; Renn, 2007). However, disclosing one’s identity can result in positive effects on mental health and sense of belonging on campus (Renn, 2007; Renn & Bilodeau, 2005; Taulke-Johnson, 2008).
Working With the Silenced
While trans individuals are increasingly represented in the research landscape, there is little research surrounding how researchers should represent this community (Duran et al., 2022). Traditionally, in culture trans individuals are presented from the cisgender gaze (Nicolazzo, 2017a). Duran et al. (2022) called for a critical need for researchers to interrogate the ways they frame their research on trans individuals paradigmatically and theoretically, and challenged scholars to empower LGBTQ+ populations through academic representation.
Currently, there is limited research that authentically captures the subjective, holistic experience of trans youth. Additionally, scholars researching transgender individuals have documented the methodological challenges that arise in ethical reasoning with this understudied population. Hill (2008) argued that most explorations of transgender identities were based upon cultural, historical, or literary sources, and these sources do not provide an accurate picture of the transgender experience. Currently, study procedures in the existing literature are not adequately documented and reported, which prevents researchers from reproducing queer and trans-affirming measures in research (Warner et al., 2021). This study will add value to the current research landscape, as it attempts to propose an ethical approach to working with trans populations by subverting or rebuilding traditional methodologies through the use of a new methodological framework to unsilence the voices of trans individuals.
To Unsilence the Unthinkable
This work is guided by Trouillot’s (1995) concepts of the unthinkable and unsilencing. Trouillot claimed the production of history is twofold—the process of what actually happened and the telling of what is said to have happened. With this in mind, the writing of history cannot be reducible to motivation and intent, but hegemonic erasure must be acknowledged. Trouillot (1995) defined history as a social process that involves people as agents, actors, and subjects.
Trouillot (1995) noted that silences are inherent in history because any event enters history with some of its parts missing. Also, power is used in the creation of sources. Silencing occurs because some events are unthinkable in the social world. Something is unthinkable because it challenges a framework familiar to those in power.
Trouillot (1995) further clarified silencing by noting that silences enter historical production at the following moments: fact creation, fact assembly, and fact retrieval. He (1995) noted that power enters history at these points. Trouillot (1995) claimed that the creation of a historical moment or fact facilitates a narrative of history—a transformation of what happened into what is said to have happened. This is a case where certain facts were selected to create a narrative and some excluded.
Finally, Trouillot (1995) proposed that survivors, rather than historians, are more likely to denounce trivialization of history. Survivors carry with them a physical embodiment of history, and this is a crucial distinction between history and memory. Trouillot (1995) argued that the meaning of history is also in its purpose. Authenticity implies a relation with what is known, and it duplicates two sides of historicity—it engages us as actors and narrators, and it requires that practices of power and domination be renewed. Authenticity cannot reside in attitudes toward a past that is kept alive through false narratives.
I combine critical and post-structuralist perspectives (Abes, 2009; Lather, 2006), and see value in combining multiple ways of knowing and methodologies in the context of this research (Kincheloe & McLaren, 2005). I see truth as socially constructed and containing contradictions. Reality is subjective and constructed based on power, and discourse is contingent on time and place (Richardson & Adams St. Pierre, 2005). In my efforts to decenter power, I know that this is realistically untenable and my critical leanings recognize I will never achieve complete elimination of myself from the research. In light of my post-structural leanings, I still feel uneasy with my identity because it is rooted in power. This approach helps me understand my participant’s reality, but I recognize our conversations are incomplete (Jackson & Mazzei, 2011). Taking a critical lens enriches my understanding of my participant’s marginalized identity.
Structuralism seeks to systemize language, but my focus is not on the structure but upon what is left over, which can facilitate deciphering the possible truths that lie within these participant stories (Lather, 1992). As my methodology involves interviewing and re-storying, I recognize the contradiction in that my values as a researcher are ever-present. I choose not to impose my own interpretations or analysis on the experience of my participant because my aim is not to diagnose or prescribe a problem. My hope is to share Stella’s experiences, in order to share a story that others might find use in or explore their own understanding of their realities.
New Methodological Planks
In order to recenter Stella’s story, I use narrative methodologies and my own background in documentary film to build a framework I label “documentary narrative.” In narrative, the sharing of stories by participants conveys knowledge that is embodied within individuals and the cultures of which they are a part (Clandinin et al., 2013). Further, narrative methods seek to provide deep descriptions of participant experiences as well as the meaning that an individual gained from their experiences (Wang & Geale, 2015).
Documentary narratives are written or visual adaptations of research data in film form. Performance challenges researchers to review their data and select the best medium (e.g., film, documentary, television, ethnodrama) to tell their story (Saldaña, 2003). However, the process for creating documentary narratives from data is significantly different than creating narratives, as what works in narrative structure might not work in documentary structure. There are technical writing elements (Eisner, 2001) necessary for critical artistic analysis. Such elements include storylining, shot descriptions, character development, scripting, and visual aesthetics.
In research, the use of narrative, specifically documentary narrative, permits the researcher to embrace uncertainty and ethically share participant stories with the mask of characters, camera shots, and visual descriptions (Given, 2008). These analyses see truth as subjective and are vehicles to present complex stories with wider social ramifications that could inspire change for the readers or audience. While data does not speak for itself, this is queered in documentary narratives, as the researcher must ponder who the story belongs to, and characters may speak for themselves (Saldaña, 2003). Therefore, while research reflexivity is crucial, it is unnecessary in the final product because the story belongs to the participant (Saldaña, 2003). Traditional forms of qualitative analysis, like coding or thematic analysis, might force data into themes and categories inevitably influenced by the researcher; to help avoid this, documentary narrative captures and presents the data as it occurred in its original form. Technical elements are added to enhance the story and provide cinematic effect (Saldaña, 2003). This method also recognizes that there can never be a finite representation of the data (Denzin, 2013), and what is presented is just a snapshot in time. It is my intention with this new framework to reveal how researchers, with outsider status, can approach working with trans populations.
Participant Description
The setting for this study is WB College2—a private, liberal arts college located within the southeastern United States. The college serves more than 1,600 undergraduate students from across the United States and globe. Stella describes WB College as a place that facilitates self-discovery and a sense of community because of its inclusive culture. The campus offers gender inclusive housing (GIH) as a safe space for queer students and allies.
My study population consists of one WB College student, my co-author, named Stella. Stella was originally invited to participate in a larger study and was recruited through purposeful sampling (Miles et al., 2020) via social media posts and word of mouth. Stella is a white, third-year student at WB majoring in biology. Stella uses she/they pronouns and her gender identity is non-binary/trans-femme. They are over 18 years of age, and asexual. Consent was obtained from Stella, and this study has received Institutional Review Board approval.
Data Collection
Data collection took place through semi-structured interviewing, using an interview guide, during September 2022. I completed two semi-structured interviews with Stella that totaled almost 180 minutes. Both interviews were audio/video recorded via Zoom. Stella chose the location in which to access Zoom. I then transcribed and anonymized each interview.
After each interview, I engaged in reflexive journaling to note observations and moments where I silenced Stella by cutting her off or interjecting my bias in the interviews (Riessman, 2008). This journal serves as the beginning steps to my analysis, allows me to recognize where I privileged my position as a researcher, and provides data to contextualize Stella’s story (Katz, 1983).
Positionality
As I already disclosed my identity, outsider status, and paradigmatic beliefs, it is important to provide a disclaimer. Personally, I support the trans community but I do not label myself an ally, as I fiercely believe the act of naming one’s self an ally is an act of privilege (Adams et al., 2013).
Despite my outsider status (Merriam et al., 2001), I do share some experiences with Stella. I struggle with mental illness and anxiety, and have some of the same general college experiences as Stella. As a teen my body began to change and I began to resent it. Desperate to control my weight I became bulimic. I started to relish this secret habit. While Stella does not experience gender or body dysmorphia, some members of the community do, so I can identify with a self-image that does not match what I see in the mirror nor what others see, and feeling uncomfortable in my own body. I also have a fractured relationship with my family. Secrecy has played a huge role in shaping my identity. When I was growing up, the example was set for me never to reveal what happens behind closed doors. Although I ethically struggle with my status as a cisgender woman working with a trans population because of the privilege I hold, it does provide me with a unique lens to examine the experience of Stella. Additionally, some propose that insider/outsider status is fluid and no longer needs to be conceived of something that is strictly delineated (Aguilar, 1981; Merriam et al., 2001).
Through the course of my time with Stella, I developed a deep connection to her. Particularly, I struggle with my impact on Stella post-interview. We had a particularly emotional interview and I found myself questioning if I pushed her too far and caused trauma. As I journaled post-interview, I regretted that I proceeded with my questions. For days after this interview, I felt plagued with guilt. I racked my brain thinking of ways in which I could ethically check in on Stella without pushing the boundaries between researcher and participant. The principal investigator on the study did check in with Stella and assured me that she was okay.
Stella: Also, I greatly appreciate your concern for my well-being but I would like to say that you by no means caused me any harm, in fact you did more good than you could have imagined. I felt so at ease, so willing to talk that I was able to admit not only to you but to myself things that I did not want to before. Our interviews were a place of self-discovery for me and even though I go to therapy now I’ve not found anything like it since. On that same note, if you have any more questions for the piece or just out of curiosity, I’m happy to answer them. I don’t know if it’s permissible or if it’s reciprocal at least for the duration of this work, I personally feel more like friends than strangers.
Still, I believe my position of privilege and concern with my own research agenda caused me to push too hard with my questions. I feel uncomfortable with the value I awarded my curiosity as a researcher over Stella’s well-being.
Quality and Ethical Commitments
As a cisgender researcher, centering ethics is of great importance to me. To uphold this quality and ethical commitment, I maintain respect with Stella and honor her position. Prior to conducting interviews, I tried to anticipate any ethical concerns that might come up and I had a plan in place to stop the interview process or resources to provide to participants (Cain et al., 2022). It is also important for me to be transparent in my positionality, as it should be for all researchers working with a trans population (Cain et al., 2022). I attend to this by being explicit about both my individual identity and paradigmatic beliefs.
In order to unsilence and rebuild, this work cannot be produced without Stella. Therefore, I practice reciprocity by fostering the relationship I developed with Stella, and sharing pieces of my own identity and vulnerability with her. In this spirit, I am also sharing privilege with Stella through our collaboration on this manuscript. I question how I benefit from the experiences and stories shared by Stella. To decenter myself and avoid any form of silencing, Stella and I have worked on this manuscript collaboratively and she is a co-author (Cain et al., 2022). As a scholar of cultural studies, I believe that power pervades every level of social relationships (Barker & Jane, 2016). So my attempt to decenter occurs by interrogating my own power in this manuscript and attempting to lessen my voice and elevate Stella’s. However, complete decentering does not occur as I acknowledge I am crafting the academic writing of this piece, but I have given the space to Stella’s actual words, without changing them, in order to have her voice and message conveyed, without my interpretations.
Replacing the Planks One by One
I first read through all of my interview transcripts without the aid of additional literature, and set aside my research questions. My focus was to look at it holistically. In my second cycle of entanglement with the data, I read for inflection and emotional emphasis from Stella, of which I was not previously attuned. In my third engagement, I paid close attention to moments of silencing, meaning points where I silenced Stella’s story or injected my own opinions and interpretations over Stella’s and I imagined how that might be presented in documentary form. Finally, I analyzed the data to reimagine the whole of my data as an individual with whom I was conducting a documentary film interview. With this new orientation, I was forced to listen to Stella’s words, reflect on my own responses and reactions, and reconceptualize what Stella was trying to tell me from a decentered position in order to craft Stella’s character (Saldaña, 2003).
After my four entanglements with the data, I began to craft the documentary “character” of Stella, to further bring life to the data. Stella is solely based upon the actual personality of Stella, and represents the data set as a whole (Saldaña, 2003). Although characters might be a new reimagining of an individual, Stella’s dialogue is a reflection of her actual words. To illustrate unsilencing, what follows is a new configuration of the data that highlights Stella’s actual aim, rather than my own. As a former documentary filmmaker, I find that unsilencing aligns with the cinema vérité style. This style does not view the camera, or in this case me, as a device that inhibits humans. Jean Rouch, one of the forefathers of this cinematic style in documentary, believed that the camera made people act in ways truer to their nature (Barnouw, 1993). Cinema vérité documentary attempts to cast light on dark places by only portraying reality and avoiding editorializing (Barnouw, 1993). I know taking the orientation of a cinema vérité documentarian allows me to decenter myself and play the role of filmmaker. By approaching the data as a documentarian, I am able to embrace uncertainty and avoid searching for answers where there are none. With this analysis, I hope that one can understand the complicated relationship I had with my data as a researcher.
Entering my data collection process, I was fixated on finding answers to my interview questions, almost running through them like a checklist, rather than actually listening to what Stella was saying, and my questions silenced Stella and cut her off at times. While I do not proclaim an overall message that one should garner from this analysis, because the beauty of art or documentary is that readers form their own interpretations (Saldaña, 2003), I do hope that a reader realizes that Stella truly wants the audience to comprehend that presenting authentically comes with tremendous loss, she lives in a state of fear, and that self-discovery is a complex process.
I deliberately chose to include long passages from the transcripts in my analysis because I do not want Stella’s story to be silenced, and I believe my own identity makes it unethical to try to edit or impose my own analysis on Stella’s story. I chose not to edit Stella’s language or words. I have reordered blocks of her words to form a more linear story (Saldaña, 2003). To attend to documentary script form, I do take some creative liberties by including shot descriptions that capture the emotion shown on Stella’s face, stage directions to capture moments of silence, and scene locations to give the reader a better picture of where Stella was during our time. As an added safety measure, the act of presenting data as a performance can serve as a shield, and present participant experiences in a form that avoids jeopardizing their safety and current positions (Chugani, 2016).
Through my entanglements with the data, I look for places where Stella repeatedly brought up the same emotions or repeated the same story like her process of self-discovery, that presenting as her authentic self truly comes with tremendous loss, living in a state of fear, and that self-discovery is a complex process. These are the pieces of data that I choose to feature in my analysis, as this is what Stella wants the audience to see. The setting for the “interview” is a place that emerges in the data as a place of comfort and peace for Stella.
To unsilence, what follows is a new configuration of the data that permits me to showcase Stella’s aim, rather than my own.
SCENE . | VIDEO . | AUDIO . |
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1 The Setup: Stella | B-Roll: Shots of WB College that juxtapose the historic campus with rolling hills and forests with the commercialized landscape that surrounds it. Cut to wide shots of WB College’s herpetarium. Finish with a zoom in on a western hognose snake. Text: “The Ship of Theseus” Stella Interview: Stella,21 years old, sits on a hard plastic classroom chair with Truffle the snake draped around her neck like a scarf. Stella wears a black zip-up hoodie, a headband to hold back her sandy shoulder-length hair, and delicate dangling earrings with daisies pressed in them. | Stella Interview: Stella performs a soundcheck and lighting test. She states they are fine with any pronouns and don’t have a strong preference for any, but if she must she uses she/they pronouns. Stella: Yeah, that’s fine. Um, I’m fine with any really. I don’t have like a very strong preference yet. Um, so any are fine. Um, so this is Truffle. He’s like six years old. He’s just small. If you look at the side there, you can see he’s got a pointed nose, they use it for um digging so … We have about 70 snakes here and one turtle. I take care of them. It’s, it’s really nice to hold them and stuff. You know, if you put them around your neck like a scarf, and they’re very sweet. This one here is a sweetheart. |
2 Facilitating Self-Discovery: Stella | Location: WB College Herpetarium Stella Interview: Stella is in the same location as Scene 1. Interviewer: Sits across from Stella. Gretchen is in her late 30s, white, and wears a wedding ring. She is trying to appear casual and wears a Stranger Things windbreaker and dons bright, glittery purple eyeshadow. Shot: Camera zooms in for a closer shot of Stella. B-Roll: Shots of rural countryside. Shots of Trump flags, town squares, and big- box chain stores spliced together. Shot: Tight zoom on Stella’s face. Shot: Camera zooms out to show Stella from the waist up. | Interviewer: Um, I first really want to start. I like to start really broadly. Tell me about yourself. Stella: Yeah, I go to WB College now. I’m a, I’m a junior here. Um, I went straight out of high school. Um, uh whenever I would say, so in pertaining a lot like this is more directly related to the study, but I would say that I kind of started to figure myself out a little more. Pretty much, it correlates almost exactly like with when the pandemic hit it, because just a little bit before the pandemic I was trying to kind of figure things out, and um … And then, I just had a lot of time at home alone and just playing video games and stuff and just talking to my friends. And so, you know, I don’t really remember what spurred it on. But then, I just started looking at that, and I mean I still have mixed feelings because I’m not, I’m not really sure like what labels I like to use. But I usually use, just I’ll just say like non-binary or a little trans-femme so, but that’s usually what I’ll, what I’ll say to people if they, if they ask me. I’ve used agender a lot, but I don’t know if my like concept of gender is the same as others. So I just, I think, like non-binary, is more important, because expression and identity are two different things. [pauses] I find that non-binary is more umbrella term that at least works until I could maybe, you know, set some time aside and think, you know. Like how much … I don’t want to give you too much information if you’re not looking for it. Interviewer: [off-camera] No, spill everything. Stella: I had come from a rural background. You don’t facilitate self-discovery very well in a rural area. As much I feel like, especially with LGBT+ matters. Like it’s very well, you know, even knowing that it exists is hard. And then, when you, you know, a lot of the time you’re hearing it. It’s like, “Oh, you know, we’re in church today. We’re telling you the gays are bad.” That’s how my area was, unfortunately. Some people aren’t like that, but I got a lot of that from my family there. I thought that I was bisexual because I was like, “Oh, I have equal attraction to men and women.” But it’s almost comedic because I don’t really have. I basically, it’s more complicated. But … whenever I came … I basically came out as bisexual. I had come out in two ways really. The first way was that I basically all of my like friends that I had at the time, which I didn’t, I didn’t have very many, but all my friends that I had at the time knew, just because basically they kind of helped me figure that out, like you know figure [Stella uses air quotes with their fingers] because I didn’t have any inclination before them to even look for things like that. It was just that I happen to be in a friend group with them. They happen to start to talk about stuff like that. Then I happen to express similar sentiments like they’re like, “Oh, yeah, men and women are equally attractive well, I suppose I feel that way, too.” And they’re like, “Oh, so you’re bisexual,” and I was like “Oh, well I guess I, I guess so.” And so then they, you know, form this identity. Then when I personally found out that … I wasn’t … I do remember feeling very um … to simplify a negative feeling, I’m not sure if it was guilt or shame. But I-I felt bad for misleading others. And … so I had made a post basically saying, “I’m sorry to confuse or I’m, you know, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to like basically just flip through all these identities like I don’t mean to.” You know again, I really hate the attention oh is it coming out saying like, “Here, look, this is me,” like I just hate the attention. So I basically made a post, though, about how that wasn’t the case, you know. Here’s what I think my identity are currently at least um, and you know, looking back on it, nobody, nobody cared. You know they were just like, “Oh, it’s fine, you know,” and I you know I just beat myself up over nothing. But I spent a long time thinking like, “Should I post this? Should I post it?” You know, just kind of guilty about it? You know I’ve always been so nervous. And it’s just it just seems a bit silly looking back on it. Interviewer: [off-camera] You spoke of presenting to your friends. Do you mind if I ask if you present your true self to your family? Stella: I feel like it’s a bit of a gamble, but it’s, it’s, at least for right now, it’s just not worth, not worth it. I don’t know. I just don’t like … until I have, like a more like structured mindset about it. I just don’t want to have such harsh, harsh criticism from people I’m so close to, you know, you know? But right now, I’m just a little too like fragile with it. Um, and I just don’t feel like, like risking it like that, for now. [long pause] I’m a very um future thinking person. A lot of times, to the extent of like worry or anxiety over the future, but I’ve certainly been trying to like manage that or lessen it. So I’ve thought about it enough to where my current like plan on it is once I’m no longer financially dependent or like dependent in any way on them, like I, you know, could handle the severance of worst-case scenario. You know? Interviewer: [off-camera] Mmhmm. Stella: They’re like, “Oh, we don’t approve of that. We don’t want anything to do with you, or you know all we want to change you. We want to change, you know. We want to pray it out, you know,” whatever they have to say. So basically once I graduate, then I’m, I should be able to be okay on my own, you know, have an apartment, or a house or something, have some stability, where I’m not dependent on them in any way. Then it’ll take, it’ll take like me summing up some courage to do it, which is a different matter. Should I go on? Interviewer: [off-camera] Yes. Stella: One thing that’s, that’s um, I, there’s an identity that I saw when I was looking at different forms that was called and I’m going to pronounce it like how it’s pronounced in Spanish just cause that’s where I know it from. It could be like, it’s spelled like C-A-L-L-E-D-O3, and then it’s like romantic or sexual. And in Spanish, calledo, I think, means like to fall [makes falling motion with hand]. And I think that that’s like an appropriate one, because it’s basically the idea of losing the ability to have sexual romantic attraction due to trauma. Interviewer: What would be your ideal relationship? Stella: Well, I had never really thought of polyamory as a system. As a relationship system. So I started researching that, and I found different terms and things like this. I see a lot where it’s one person who has two partners who aren’t, you know, related to each other. They’re just like they may be buddies just because they know the other partner. Um, but me personally, I think the relationship that I idealize for like to have is to be in a relationship with two people who are in relationship with each other. Basically a triangle with literally a complete triangle like I love this person [Stella gestures right]. I love this person [Stella gestures left]. They both love each other. Um. And I, I, I usually in my mind imagine that as the number of three like, you know there’s three of us. But I mean I don’t really. I just never thought I’m like, you know, it being more than that I feel like it’s something like it. But how do I know? You know I don’t know um. Interviewer: [off-camera] Yeah. Stella: But so that’s basically the kind of relationship that I imagine myself having, just because I found that I’m capable of having love for two people at the same time, and, and not having any like jealousy or ill feelings when they, when they love each other as well. If anything, it makes me feel better, because it makes me feel like well, if I have some need that I can’t fulfill as a partner, there’s somebody else there. |
3 It’s Just Unthinkable: Stella | Location: WB College Herpetarium B-Roll: Shots of the outside of WB College’s Gender Inclusive Housing dormitory. Stella Interview: Stella,21 years old, sits at a desk. Interviewer: Sits across from Stella. B-Roll: Shots of the outside of WB College’s Gender Inclusive Housing dormitory. Shot: Cuts to interviewer. Shot: Cuts back to full shot of Stella. B-Roll: Shot of photos from this night. B-Roll: Shot of the expansive Buc-ee’s parking lot. Interior shots of customers partaking in the beef jerky buffet. | Interviewer: Can you tell me about a time when you felt you were treated poorly on campus due to your LGBTQ+ identity? Stella: I mean everybody’s got different experiences, but a lot of negativity towards the LGBT community, which obviously sticks with me and my friends, particularly as members. And, you know, as it affects us directly in our familial relationships. On campus, it has been positive. Maybe it’s just WB students. There’s not … I don’t see, or I don’t hear about a lot of … discrimination. I’ve been in GIH since I got here, and I don’t really plan to leave it because it’s, it’s very nice to have a sense of community, and it’s not. There are some critics with it, you know. Some people have different critics about it here. Um, but I think you have to do a lot of your own cultivating of community like they present you with the resource of “Hey. Look, you know everybody who lives here is LGBT. You know they live here, and that’s pretty much it.” And they’ve been working on having events and stuff, so you can get to know each other better. But you, a lot of it you have to do yourself. So, for instance, when I walk out of my room, if I walk out of my room dressed very femininely, I’m not worried about the other people who live here. If they walk out of their room, and they see me I’m not worried about what they’ll think about it; whereas if I lived in a male residence hall, and I had to walk out wearing that, I might get like some stares, or like comments or something. So I feel a lot better, a lot safer here. Um, so I’ve really enjoyed it, and it’s, it’s really good at, it’s given me a good base of friends and communities. One thing that I worry about here at the college, and it does it, you know, the sense of community is really nice, but it feels very temporary. Again, when I said I’m always thinking to the future. They’ve all kind of expressed where they want to live, and there’s basically no congruency. It’s basically like I want to go here. This one wants to go here. This one wants to go here. This one wants to go here, and it’s like scattered around the world, and so it’s, it’s a little depressing or saddening to think like, “Oh, yeah, these are my best buddies. I live five feet from this person. I can knock on their door, you know, just outside my door, but very soon they’ll be across the world unless I follow one of them, in which case the other of my friends will be across the world,” because they all are like, “Oh, I want to live here. I want to live here,” and maybe that won’t happen. Maybe they’ll change their mind and move somewhere else. But you know it’s just a reality, which is unfortunate, and that might also affect where I would live. If you know, some of my friends are moving to this particular area or city. Well, maybe I’d be inclined to see if I could join them or not. I’m very close to them. Interviewer: That is hard. Stella: So this is not at WB, but while I was here me and my, me and my buddies got dressed up, you know, very, very dressed up, you know? Suffice to say um, and ah we went to um Waffle House, you know. Well, we got all dressed up, you know. It might as well go out. So we went to Waffle House. Interviewer: [off-camera] Five star dining! Stella: Yeah, yeah, that’s what we just you know, we’re like we should go somewhere really fancy … a Waffle House. And you know I’m sitting at the table, so I’m not really paying attention to people but as we’re going to check out it … for some reason in the middle of the night, whatever time we went it wasn’t early by any means, it started to become rush hour. A bunch of people started coming in and it isn’t exactly a big city either. So you know, you’re starting to get more … I don’t know what you would consider your typical like … rural. You know red state kind of hard work or type of people coming in. You know more conservative people, um. And as we’re checking out. I mean just the stares that you get like, you know, ’cause the cash register is just right next to a table, and you know they’ll just, they’ll just you know they’re facing this way to eat, they’ll just turn around and look you right in your eyes. [Stella turns around 180 degrees while speaking to demonstrate the action]. Just, just really … I was like, I said when we left, I said, “Man, I’ve never gotten stared at so hard,” like and all of us are getting stared at because we’re wearing crazy outfits, you know? Maybe a little bit of cleavage, and they’re like “Ah!” you know? It’s just unthinkable. Um. So that’s about that’s about the only like real obvious, you know disdain [huffs] that I’ve seen, you know? Um. But that’s about the only discriminatory event. Again, the college is pretty good, and also I’m, I’m getting rather, rather coy about it. So I just … [nods head]. The only time I think I’ve heard somebody say something was … at the Buc-ee’s. There’s a Buc-ee’s gas station, and I was wearing those flower earrings. And … there was this old lady, I mean, you know she has white hair. She’s probably 70 or so, and she’s got her grandkids and her grandkids probably like 12 or something, and she cast me a glance, and then she turned and was talking to him while walking in the other direction. I don’t think it was directly walking away from me but they just were walking in that direction, and I-I’m pretty sure I heard her say something like, “Don’t, don’t, don’t dress like that, don’t do it like that,” you know? Like basically don’t do that. And that’s … And I was like man, you know, I’m just in, I’m in a gas station, you know. I thought the standards were pretty low at a gas station, but … um. |
4 The Sense of Loss: Stella | Location: WB College GIH dorm. Interior of Stella’s room. Stella Interview: Stella sits in an easy chair surrounded by tea lights hanging on the wall. Interviewer: Sits across from Stella. Shot: Stella from the waist up. B-Roll: Picture of the Ship of Theseus. Shot: Stella from the waist up. Her legs are crossed. Shot: Full shot of interviewer and Stella. Shot: Cut to single shot of Stella. Shot: Tight zoom on Stella. Fade to black. | Interviewer: You said that you don’t bring up what you preferred to be called or your identity. Why are you hesitant to voice this with your friends? Stella: So when I, when I got here, and not a lot of my friends, I was a different person, and I introduced myself as a different person, and you know, as the changes occurred, it just … it’s not necessarily that they all occurred like right at once. And then, you know suddenly you know … it’s like the Ship of Theseus type deal, where it’s like … this is a ship. It’s just Theseus ship, but they like change one board off of it. You know, after how many years is it really the same ship, you know? And in my case it’s not the same ship anymore, but they, they all know it as that same thing. They just haven’t noticed that each of those little things has changed … because I’ve now brought to attention. And so then it … and this ties it on the second thing, I don’t like the attention of basically making an announcement like, “Hey, listen, you know, I, I’ve changed my preferences. I’ve changed identities. I’d like to be, excuse me, [coughs] I’d like to be called this way or I’d like to be thought of this way.” I-I … I couldn’t explain it, but something about it just makes me like … just makes me feel really uncomfortable. Um, to talk about it so that the, the information that they have from me it usually comes from like … [pauses for 3 seconds] kind of like an accident. Like I bought something and it has to do with a certain identity or something like this, they might see it, and go, “Oh do you do you go … is that how it is now?” And I’ll be like yeah, it’s that way now. Because I, I have, um, a strict policy with my friends here that I won’t lie to them. It doesn’t mean I just go around like only blabbing about all the stuff I do, or whatever, or but I won't ever give them uh, uh a direct lie. Um, so if they ask me something, I say yes, then I know okay, then that’s definitely how it is um. So a lot of the information they have about me is … it’s not to say that it … I didn’t like readily give it, but it was more so that they found out than I told them. Just because it like, I said, I really dislike the attention of like saying like, “Hey, listen!” Like, I-I don’t know it. Just it feels very strange to me um. Interviewer: [off-camera] Is it necessarily something of like, you have a self-loathing for it? Stella: I would say that in in general, I have definitely struggled a lot with negative self-image, um … self-loving, loathing things like that. But I’m not sure to what extent it would affect … some things I haven’t thought about, you know, obviously I’m not sure to what extent that kind of negative self-talk has had on identities or the process of searching through those um. I’m certain that it’s not negligible. Um. One thing that I that I, I feel a lot which I suppose might be tied in is … I just feel … And see, it reminds me this thing, what I’ve seen before, where it’s like, “Oh, if, if you were a friend of yours, would you treat yourself?” You, you know, basically, if you had a duplicate of yourself, and it was your friend. How would you do that person? And I mean I would treat those two versions of myself differently. Um, even, even though I know that I just can’t. It’s just hard to change sometimes. But … and I, you know, to try and be … I have an image of like, okay, if I’m going to be feminine well, then, I need to you know. I’ll say I need to convince others, which is also me convincing myself, you know. So … I’ll say, “Oh, you know I don’t want to talk about this.” Or I don’t want to you know, come out and say, “Hey, look! I’m this way,” until I can “prove it” [gestures air quotes with hands] because I feel like if I if I say oh, yes, I’m, you know I feel this way, and then I do something masculine … they’ll be like like, “Oh! You know you’re just making it up. You’re just, you know. You’ve done something masculine. Therefore you can’t be feminine.” Things like that … um … that worries me a lot where it’s, it’s happened a lot of times. I think that in general the idea of actions having a gender to me, is ridiculous, and maybe that’s just my like imagination of it. Interviewer: So then, when it comes to you, your actual life, logically you know these things. When do you think, or how do you think you might become more comfortable with your identity? Do you think it might take starting all over in a new location? Stella: What I’ll do is I’ll just wait until I graduate, and then I’ll be like you said, a fresh start. That is probably the easiest way. And that’s basically that’s Plan B, at least. Where, if I, if, if I can’t bring myself to do anything, change anything, then at least when I graduate like I said, probably nobody will be with me. Nobody will follow, and so I, I can. I do have the opportunity there to just start fresh, and then that would be easier. But again, that, that does involve, you know, waiting until then, which has some uncomfortability to it, um. But the main factor that that you know, ties into this uncomfortableness, this unwillingness to announce something or ask for change, is just my, my, my discomfort or my fear of … of, the people around me. I mean they’re friends, and they’re good people, and I’m … [pauses for 7 seconds and begins to tear up] I just I just worry. Interviewer: [off-camera] I understand that. That’s hard. Yeah. [pauses for 3 seconds] We can take a break right now too, I know we’re … Stella: That’s okay. Interviewer: [off-camera] Talking about some hard things. Are you sure? [Stella nods head] Stella: The only thing that I have to add … is … is just a little further explanation on … and further elaboration. Where I don’t like talking about it to my friends like I said, I feel worry, and I feel afraid, but I think it kind of goes back to what I was talking about, where it’s a fear of losing a secure base, like I feel that in the worst-case scenario. But it’s just that that in my mind should worst-case scenario come to be, you know the loss is too great to justify the gain, and so that’s why I, you know, let fear have more control over me than I wish. Interviewer: [off-camera] That’s a lot you have to hold on to. Stella: I would have liked to have said it earlier, but it just … it was hard to have it come out at the time, so … |
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1 The Setup: Stella | B-Roll: Shots of WB College that juxtapose the historic campus with rolling hills and forests with the commercialized landscape that surrounds it. Cut to wide shots of WB College’s herpetarium. Finish with a zoom in on a western hognose snake. Text: “The Ship of Theseus” Stella Interview: Stella,21 years old, sits on a hard plastic classroom chair with Truffle the snake draped around her neck like a scarf. Stella wears a black zip-up hoodie, a headband to hold back her sandy shoulder-length hair, and delicate dangling earrings with daisies pressed in them. | Stella Interview: Stella performs a soundcheck and lighting test. She states they are fine with any pronouns and don’t have a strong preference for any, but if she must she uses she/they pronouns. Stella: Yeah, that’s fine. Um, I’m fine with any really. I don’t have like a very strong preference yet. Um, so any are fine. Um, so this is Truffle. He’s like six years old. He’s just small. If you look at the side there, you can see he’s got a pointed nose, they use it for um digging so … We have about 70 snakes here and one turtle. I take care of them. It’s, it’s really nice to hold them and stuff. You know, if you put them around your neck like a scarf, and they’re very sweet. This one here is a sweetheart. |
2 Facilitating Self-Discovery: Stella | Location: WB College Herpetarium Stella Interview: Stella is in the same location as Scene 1. Interviewer: Sits across from Stella. Gretchen is in her late 30s, white, and wears a wedding ring. She is trying to appear casual and wears a Stranger Things windbreaker and dons bright, glittery purple eyeshadow. Shot: Camera zooms in for a closer shot of Stella. B-Roll: Shots of rural countryside. Shots of Trump flags, town squares, and big- box chain stores spliced together. Shot: Tight zoom on Stella’s face. Shot: Camera zooms out to show Stella from the waist up. | Interviewer: Um, I first really want to start. I like to start really broadly. Tell me about yourself. Stella: Yeah, I go to WB College now. I’m a, I’m a junior here. Um, I went straight out of high school. Um, uh whenever I would say, so in pertaining a lot like this is more directly related to the study, but I would say that I kind of started to figure myself out a little more. Pretty much, it correlates almost exactly like with when the pandemic hit it, because just a little bit before the pandemic I was trying to kind of figure things out, and um … And then, I just had a lot of time at home alone and just playing video games and stuff and just talking to my friends. And so, you know, I don’t really remember what spurred it on. But then, I just started looking at that, and I mean I still have mixed feelings because I’m not, I’m not really sure like what labels I like to use. But I usually use, just I’ll just say like non-binary or a little trans-femme so, but that’s usually what I’ll, what I’ll say to people if they, if they ask me. I’ve used agender a lot, but I don’t know if my like concept of gender is the same as others. So I just, I think, like non-binary, is more important, because expression and identity are two different things. [pauses] I find that non-binary is more umbrella term that at least works until I could maybe, you know, set some time aside and think, you know. Like how much … I don’t want to give you too much information if you’re not looking for it. Interviewer: [off-camera] No, spill everything. Stella: I had come from a rural background. You don’t facilitate self-discovery very well in a rural area. As much I feel like, especially with LGBT+ matters. Like it’s very well, you know, even knowing that it exists is hard. And then, when you, you know, a lot of the time you’re hearing it. It’s like, “Oh, you know, we’re in church today. We’re telling you the gays are bad.” That’s how my area was, unfortunately. Some people aren’t like that, but I got a lot of that from my family there. I thought that I was bisexual because I was like, “Oh, I have equal attraction to men and women.” But it’s almost comedic because I don’t really have. I basically, it’s more complicated. But … whenever I came … I basically came out as bisexual. I had come out in two ways really. The first way was that I basically all of my like friends that I had at the time, which I didn’t, I didn’t have very many, but all my friends that I had at the time knew, just because basically they kind of helped me figure that out, like you know figure [Stella uses air quotes with their fingers] because I didn’t have any inclination before them to even look for things like that. It was just that I happen to be in a friend group with them. They happen to start to talk about stuff like that. Then I happen to express similar sentiments like they’re like, “Oh, yeah, men and women are equally attractive well, I suppose I feel that way, too.” And they’re like, “Oh, so you’re bisexual,” and I was like “Oh, well I guess I, I guess so.” And so then they, you know, form this identity. Then when I personally found out that … I wasn’t … I do remember feeling very um … to simplify a negative feeling, I’m not sure if it was guilt or shame. But I-I felt bad for misleading others. And … so I had made a post basically saying, “I’m sorry to confuse or I’m, you know, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to like basically just flip through all these identities like I don’t mean to.” You know again, I really hate the attention oh is it coming out saying like, “Here, look, this is me,” like I just hate the attention. So I basically made a post, though, about how that wasn’t the case, you know. Here’s what I think my identity are currently at least um, and you know, looking back on it, nobody, nobody cared. You know they were just like, “Oh, it’s fine, you know,” and I you know I just beat myself up over nothing. But I spent a long time thinking like, “Should I post this? Should I post it?” You know, just kind of guilty about it? You know I’ve always been so nervous. And it’s just it just seems a bit silly looking back on it. Interviewer: [off-camera] You spoke of presenting to your friends. Do you mind if I ask if you present your true self to your family? Stella: I feel like it’s a bit of a gamble, but it’s, it’s, at least for right now, it’s just not worth, not worth it. I don’t know. I just don’t like … until I have, like a more like structured mindset about it. I just don’t want to have such harsh, harsh criticism from people I’m so close to, you know, you know? But right now, I’m just a little too like fragile with it. Um, and I just don’t feel like, like risking it like that, for now. [long pause] I’m a very um future thinking person. A lot of times, to the extent of like worry or anxiety over the future, but I’ve certainly been trying to like manage that or lessen it. So I’ve thought about it enough to where my current like plan on it is once I’m no longer financially dependent or like dependent in any way on them, like I, you know, could handle the severance of worst-case scenario. You know? Interviewer: [off-camera] Mmhmm. Stella: They’re like, “Oh, we don’t approve of that. We don’t want anything to do with you, or you know all we want to change you. We want to change, you know. We want to pray it out, you know,” whatever they have to say. So basically once I graduate, then I’m, I should be able to be okay on my own, you know, have an apartment, or a house or something, have some stability, where I’m not dependent on them in any way. Then it’ll take, it’ll take like me summing up some courage to do it, which is a different matter. Should I go on? Interviewer: [off-camera] Yes. Stella: One thing that’s, that’s um, I, there’s an identity that I saw when I was looking at different forms that was called and I’m going to pronounce it like how it’s pronounced in Spanish just cause that’s where I know it from. It could be like, it’s spelled like C-A-L-L-E-D-O3, and then it’s like romantic or sexual. And in Spanish, calledo, I think, means like to fall [makes falling motion with hand]. And I think that that’s like an appropriate one, because it’s basically the idea of losing the ability to have sexual romantic attraction due to trauma. Interviewer: What would be your ideal relationship? Stella: Well, I had never really thought of polyamory as a system. As a relationship system. So I started researching that, and I found different terms and things like this. I see a lot where it’s one person who has two partners who aren’t, you know, related to each other. They’re just like they may be buddies just because they know the other partner. Um, but me personally, I think the relationship that I idealize for like to have is to be in a relationship with two people who are in relationship with each other. Basically a triangle with literally a complete triangle like I love this person [Stella gestures right]. I love this person [Stella gestures left]. They both love each other. Um. And I, I, I usually in my mind imagine that as the number of three like, you know there’s three of us. But I mean I don’t really. I just never thought I’m like, you know, it being more than that I feel like it’s something like it. But how do I know? You know I don’t know um. Interviewer: [off-camera] Yeah. Stella: But so that’s basically the kind of relationship that I imagine myself having, just because I found that I’m capable of having love for two people at the same time, and, and not having any like jealousy or ill feelings when they, when they love each other as well. If anything, it makes me feel better, because it makes me feel like well, if I have some need that I can’t fulfill as a partner, there’s somebody else there. |
3 It’s Just Unthinkable: Stella | Location: WB College Herpetarium B-Roll: Shots of the outside of WB College’s Gender Inclusive Housing dormitory. Stella Interview: Stella,21 years old, sits at a desk. Interviewer: Sits across from Stella. B-Roll: Shots of the outside of WB College’s Gender Inclusive Housing dormitory. Shot: Cuts to interviewer. Shot: Cuts back to full shot of Stella. B-Roll: Shot of photos from this night. B-Roll: Shot of the expansive Buc-ee’s parking lot. Interior shots of customers partaking in the beef jerky buffet. | Interviewer: Can you tell me about a time when you felt you were treated poorly on campus due to your LGBTQ+ identity? Stella: I mean everybody’s got different experiences, but a lot of negativity towards the LGBT community, which obviously sticks with me and my friends, particularly as members. And, you know, as it affects us directly in our familial relationships. On campus, it has been positive. Maybe it’s just WB students. There’s not … I don’t see, or I don’t hear about a lot of … discrimination. I’ve been in GIH since I got here, and I don’t really plan to leave it because it’s, it’s very nice to have a sense of community, and it’s not. There are some critics with it, you know. Some people have different critics about it here. Um, but I think you have to do a lot of your own cultivating of community like they present you with the resource of “Hey. Look, you know everybody who lives here is LGBT. You know they live here, and that’s pretty much it.” And they’ve been working on having events and stuff, so you can get to know each other better. But you, a lot of it you have to do yourself. So, for instance, when I walk out of my room, if I walk out of my room dressed very femininely, I’m not worried about the other people who live here. If they walk out of their room, and they see me I’m not worried about what they’ll think about it; whereas if I lived in a male residence hall, and I had to walk out wearing that, I might get like some stares, or like comments or something. So I feel a lot better, a lot safer here. Um, so I’ve really enjoyed it, and it’s, it’s really good at, it’s given me a good base of friends and communities. One thing that I worry about here at the college, and it does it, you know, the sense of community is really nice, but it feels very temporary. Again, when I said I’m always thinking to the future. They’ve all kind of expressed where they want to live, and there’s basically no congruency. It’s basically like I want to go here. This one wants to go here. This one wants to go here. This one wants to go here, and it’s like scattered around the world, and so it’s, it’s a little depressing or saddening to think like, “Oh, yeah, these are my best buddies. I live five feet from this person. I can knock on their door, you know, just outside my door, but very soon they’ll be across the world unless I follow one of them, in which case the other of my friends will be across the world,” because they all are like, “Oh, I want to live here. I want to live here,” and maybe that won’t happen. Maybe they’ll change their mind and move somewhere else. But you know it’s just a reality, which is unfortunate, and that might also affect where I would live. If you know, some of my friends are moving to this particular area or city. Well, maybe I’d be inclined to see if I could join them or not. I’m very close to them. Interviewer: That is hard. Stella: So this is not at WB, but while I was here me and my, me and my buddies got dressed up, you know, very, very dressed up, you know? Suffice to say um, and ah we went to um Waffle House, you know. Well, we got all dressed up, you know. It might as well go out. So we went to Waffle House. Interviewer: [off-camera] Five star dining! Stella: Yeah, yeah, that’s what we just you know, we’re like we should go somewhere really fancy … a Waffle House. And you know I’m sitting at the table, so I’m not really paying attention to people but as we’re going to check out it … for some reason in the middle of the night, whatever time we went it wasn’t early by any means, it started to become rush hour. A bunch of people started coming in and it isn’t exactly a big city either. So you know, you’re starting to get more … I don’t know what you would consider your typical like … rural. You know red state kind of hard work or type of people coming in. You know more conservative people, um. And as we’re checking out. I mean just the stares that you get like, you know, ’cause the cash register is just right next to a table, and you know they’ll just, they’ll just you know they’re facing this way to eat, they’ll just turn around and look you right in your eyes. [Stella turns around 180 degrees while speaking to demonstrate the action]. Just, just really … I was like, I said when we left, I said, “Man, I’ve never gotten stared at so hard,” like and all of us are getting stared at because we’re wearing crazy outfits, you know? Maybe a little bit of cleavage, and they’re like “Ah!” you know? It’s just unthinkable. Um. So that’s about that’s about the only like real obvious, you know disdain [huffs] that I’ve seen, you know? Um. But that’s about the only discriminatory event. Again, the college is pretty good, and also I’m, I’m getting rather, rather coy about it. So I just … [nods head]. The only time I think I’ve heard somebody say something was … at the Buc-ee’s. There’s a Buc-ee’s gas station, and I was wearing those flower earrings. And … there was this old lady, I mean, you know she has white hair. She’s probably 70 or so, and she’s got her grandkids and her grandkids probably like 12 or something, and she cast me a glance, and then she turned and was talking to him while walking in the other direction. I don’t think it was directly walking away from me but they just were walking in that direction, and I-I’m pretty sure I heard her say something like, “Don’t, don’t, don’t dress like that, don’t do it like that,” you know? Like basically don’t do that. And that’s … And I was like man, you know, I’m just in, I’m in a gas station, you know. I thought the standards were pretty low at a gas station, but … um. |
4 The Sense of Loss: Stella | Location: WB College GIH dorm. Interior of Stella’s room. Stella Interview: Stella sits in an easy chair surrounded by tea lights hanging on the wall. Interviewer: Sits across from Stella. Shot: Stella from the waist up. B-Roll: Picture of the Ship of Theseus. Shot: Stella from the waist up. Her legs are crossed. Shot: Full shot of interviewer and Stella. Shot: Cut to single shot of Stella. Shot: Tight zoom on Stella. Fade to black. | Interviewer: You said that you don’t bring up what you preferred to be called or your identity. Why are you hesitant to voice this with your friends? Stella: So when I, when I got here, and not a lot of my friends, I was a different person, and I introduced myself as a different person, and you know, as the changes occurred, it just … it’s not necessarily that they all occurred like right at once. And then, you know suddenly you know … it’s like the Ship of Theseus type deal, where it’s like … this is a ship. It’s just Theseus ship, but they like change one board off of it. You know, after how many years is it really the same ship, you know? And in my case it’s not the same ship anymore, but they, they all know it as that same thing. They just haven’t noticed that each of those little things has changed … because I’ve now brought to attention. And so then it … and this ties it on the second thing, I don’t like the attention of basically making an announcement like, “Hey, listen, you know, I, I’ve changed my preferences. I’ve changed identities. I’d like to be, excuse me, [coughs] I’d like to be called this way or I’d like to be thought of this way.” I-I … I couldn’t explain it, but something about it just makes me like … just makes me feel really uncomfortable. Um, to talk about it so that the, the information that they have from me it usually comes from like … [pauses for 3 seconds] kind of like an accident. Like I bought something and it has to do with a certain identity or something like this, they might see it, and go, “Oh do you do you go … is that how it is now?” And I’ll be like yeah, it’s that way now. Because I, I have, um, a strict policy with my friends here that I won’t lie to them. It doesn’t mean I just go around like only blabbing about all the stuff I do, or whatever, or but I won't ever give them uh, uh a direct lie. Um, so if they ask me something, I say yes, then I know okay, then that’s definitely how it is um. So a lot of the information they have about me is … it’s not to say that it … I didn’t like readily give it, but it was more so that they found out than I told them. Just because it like, I said, I really dislike the attention of like saying like, “Hey, listen!” Like, I-I don’t know it. Just it feels very strange to me um. Interviewer: [off-camera] Is it necessarily something of like, you have a self-loathing for it? Stella: I would say that in in general, I have definitely struggled a lot with negative self-image, um … self-loving, loathing things like that. But I’m not sure to what extent it would affect … some things I haven’t thought about, you know, obviously I’m not sure to what extent that kind of negative self-talk has had on identities or the process of searching through those um. I’m certain that it’s not negligible. Um. One thing that I that I, I feel a lot which I suppose might be tied in is … I just feel … And see, it reminds me this thing, what I’ve seen before, where it’s like, “Oh, if, if you were a friend of yours, would you treat yourself?” You, you know, basically, if you had a duplicate of yourself, and it was your friend. How would you do that person? And I mean I would treat those two versions of myself differently. Um, even, even though I know that I just can’t. It’s just hard to change sometimes. But … and I, you know, to try and be … I have an image of like, okay, if I’m going to be feminine well, then, I need to you know. I’ll say I need to convince others, which is also me convincing myself, you know. So … I’ll say, “Oh, you know I don’t want to talk about this.” Or I don’t want to you know, come out and say, “Hey, look! I’m this way,” until I can “prove it” [gestures air quotes with hands] because I feel like if I if I say oh, yes, I’m, you know I feel this way, and then I do something masculine … they’ll be like like, “Oh! You know you’re just making it up. You’re just, you know. You’ve done something masculine. Therefore you can’t be feminine.” Things like that … um … that worries me a lot where it’s, it’s happened a lot of times. I think that in general the idea of actions having a gender to me, is ridiculous, and maybe that’s just my like imagination of it. Interviewer: So then, when it comes to you, your actual life, logically you know these things. When do you think, or how do you think you might become more comfortable with your identity? Do you think it might take starting all over in a new location? Stella: What I’ll do is I’ll just wait until I graduate, and then I’ll be like you said, a fresh start. That is probably the easiest way. And that’s basically that’s Plan B, at least. Where, if I, if, if I can’t bring myself to do anything, change anything, then at least when I graduate like I said, probably nobody will be with me. Nobody will follow, and so I, I can. I do have the opportunity there to just start fresh, and then that would be easier. But again, that, that does involve, you know, waiting until then, which has some uncomfortability to it, um. But the main factor that that you know, ties into this uncomfortableness, this unwillingness to announce something or ask for change, is just my, my, my discomfort or my fear of … of, the people around me. I mean they’re friends, and they’re good people, and I’m … [pauses for 7 seconds and begins to tear up] I just I just worry. Interviewer: [off-camera] I understand that. That’s hard. Yeah. [pauses for 3 seconds] We can take a break right now too, I know we’re … Stella: That’s okay. Interviewer: [off-camera] Talking about some hard things. Are you sure? [Stella nods head] Stella: The only thing that I have to add … is … is just a little further explanation on … and further elaboration. Where I don’t like talking about it to my friends like I said, I feel worry, and I feel afraid, but I think it kind of goes back to what I was talking about, where it’s a fear of losing a secure base, like I feel that in the worst-case scenario. But it’s just that that in my mind should worst-case scenario come to be, you know the loss is too great to justify the gain, and so that’s why I, you know, let fear have more control over me than I wish. Interviewer: [off-camera] That’s a lot you have to hold on to. Stella: I would have liked to have said it earlier, but it just … it was hard to have it come out at the time, so … |
Subversion Through Unsilencing
As a straight, cisgender researcher, I do not have the position or privilege of drawing any conclusions or adding interpretation to the data. Like Rouch (Barnouw, 1993), I am a vehicle for presenting what Stella wants myself and readers to know. There is no need for my added analysis because my role is not to create history, and the survivors, in this case Stella, should be the ones to create history through telling their stories (Trouillot, 1995). Stella’s story speaks for itself. I reckon this with voluptuous and paralogical validity (Lather, 1993).
Like Lather (1993), I believe that my data is always incomplete, and as a researcher I must continue to engage with my data and work reflexively. In this work, I attend to voluptuous validity by reflecting on my positionality, communicating with Stella, and ultimately deciding that I can never completely understand Stella’s story from my straight, cisgender position (Lather, 1993). I understand my belief is a contested position, and recognize this tension (Lather, 1993). I also recognize that there are differences and contradictions within my work. I want to decenter myself as a researcher, but realize this does not happen as I still retain power through my act of writing and crafting the script (Later, 1993). With this orientation, I aim to subvert traditions of the academy that serve up the expectation of researcher discussion and findings. I will only highlight the unsilences within the data.
Too often, the experience of trans individuals is silenced by the added commentary of researchers, especially those who do not hold the identities of the participants. As Stella voiced, being gay or trans is often unthinkable in rural communities, and Trouillot (1995) noted that what is unthinkable in the social world often becomes erased in history. My wish is that this data unsilences the experience of trans individuals and makes their experience thinkable in the social world. This work unsilences what it is like to be a trans college student, the fear of losing friends and family due to one’s identity, and the reality of the dynamic process of self-discovery. By presenting Stella’s data in its full form without my commentary, I have created facts and assembled them without my own agenda, although I will acknowledge the power I possess by reassembling Stella’s words to create a more linear script.
By presenting my findings in the form of a cinema vérité documentary script, it lessens cisgender gaze. Many times in research trans individuals are presented from the cisgender gaze (Nicolazzo, 2017a). Using an inanimate object like a camera to set the gaze and centering Stella’s story in the script help achieve this, and made me interrogate how I should frame my findings in a way to empower the trans population through academic representation (Duran et al., 2022).
By rethinking the traditional modes of research and presenting a new framework for methodology, I have subverted the traditions of the academy about what research should look like. The findings, which truthfully tell Stella’s story, lessen the cisgender gaze by placing Stella in the starring role. While narrative does allow for stories to be shared, this method is unique in both its format, the way an audience can read it, and the refusal to add opinion or discussion. By queering the methodological process, this introduces a more emancipatory form of research (Duran et al., 2022).
My hope with this article is to open up a possibility for researchers to explore new ways of methodologically approaching and rebuilding work, plank by plank, with trans populations in a way that does not silence or trivialize their experiences. Just like Stella’s identity persists with her new planks, I still value the original research ship but believe some planks must be replaced. If research truly wants to holistically capture the experiences of trans populations, adopting traditional methodologies simply will not suffice. We must take a radical position and throw away outdated, decayed traditions. Adopting a documentary narrative approach is an ethical way for researchers with outsider status to unsilence and edify the stories of trans individuals.
The Original Ship Still Persists
From: Stella
To: Gretchen Cook
On a personal note, I thought I’d give some life updates, I actually liked that name so much that in October I started going by Stella and my name on the paper can be Stella. I also use she/they pronouns but that doesn’t mean that part of the paper needs to be edited. I’m not sure if you wanted more to capture a snapshot in time and preserve the piece as it happened or if you would prefer updating to more reflect the current Stella that exists just behind this very email. I can understand either case and am happy to help the piece with either path.
All the best,
-Stella
Disclosure Statement
No potential conflict of interest was reported by the author.
Notes
To demonstrate our collaboration on this manuscript, portions of our email correspondence are inserted throughout this manuscript.
A pseudonym to protect the identity of my participant and the institution.
The actual terminology is “caedoromantic.” When referring to romantic orientation, “caedromantic” is often used.