The Myth of the Supercrip: An Autoethnographic Exploration of Masculinity and Ability Available to Purchase

In this essay, I apply an autoethnographic performance method to interrogate my control of identity perception through supercrip performances of fearlessness. I was infected with HIV at the age of 4 by contaminated blood used in the production of a medication developed to treat my hemophilia, a genetic impairment in the body’s ability to clot blood. Due to both my physical impairment and illness, I feared a rejection that would lead to my isolation; therefore, I attempted to appear “normal” by making my experience of disability invisible to the world and to myself. As I aged into a sexually active adult, my demand for controlling others evolved, complicating my relationships. I strived to establish desirability through masculine expressions of sexuality and gendered performances of supercripdom. While exhaustion from chronic illness caused me to abandon my supercrip mask, I ultimately discovered that it was my illness and impairment that made me who I am. As I grew more comfortable with myself, I discovered what I desired all along—love and acceptance.